COVID-19 AND WRITING
...wth???
Yes, I wrote this back in late April. Been hella busy, but try catching up.
...wth???
Yes, I wrote this back in late April. Been hella busy, but try catching up.
Well, so many things have happened during this trying time!
Spotted at the anti corruption protests in Bucharest, Romania I have listed all the major things that have happened since the beginning of the 2020 plague year, beginning to end now. No, I will not post links that you can google yourself, I don't have that kind of time.
LONG READ, as it, worth reading over the toilet for a while, kinda read!
LONG READ, as it, worth reading over the toilet for a while, kinda read!
You've been warned.
.
.
.
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And that brings us to now...
Timeline of COVID-19 NOVEL CORONAVIRUS
Beginning March 2020
- Our nation's leader keeps spreading lies and misinformation over the first reports, but this is typical for the emperor with the baby fists
- Our country allowed infected passengers from Wuhan, China to come into the country, with zero investigation
- The virus they brought over spread all over the United States, beginning in the state of Washington, specifically the Seattle area
- That same virus spread globally
- A mass hysteria began of people ransacking stores for toilet paper, hand sanitizer, and non-perishable items
- Quarantine orders went into effect, but not federally. Only some states and some counties are following orders
- We discovered all mask & ventilator stockpiles were removed by our current president a few years ago
- Our president is being investigated for secret dealings with communist ties
- People at random began getting flu-like symptoms
- Our idiot president blurted out to the public that this was a 'flu', and so the public didn't take it seriously, because most had already gotten their flu shots, misinterpreting their effectiveness.
- We learned that for some reason, the immunocompromised and the elderly were easily affected, but we still don't know why
- Dr. Anthony Fauci, the nation's foremost expert on diseases control is held with high regard. Citizens are following his lead and his words on any latest news of this disease
- People began dying from this virus
- All health professionals panicked as there are not enough ventilators across the United States
- Bad government spending and coverup stories are hitting the respected news journals
- Anybody who needs to get tested is finding a wild goosechase of INEFFCTIVE phone setup by the government. One person called the hotline provided, told to call their doctor, told to call the hospital, told to call the hotline again. The story made national headlines as an embarassment to how little prepared the United States really is
- All current tests for this virus are malfunctioning, and those that do, are at best offering only 50% effective results
- All the hospital gowns ordered from China fell apart like tissue paper
- Doctors and nurses are using garbage bags because there are NO masks or protective equipment to purchase by hospitals
- Hospitals are firing those same health professionals for speaking out against the hospitals for forcing them to work with ZERO protective equipment.
- We learned through the media that China is giving misinformation about how the virus spread, stating that the U.S. was responsible for it, despite that there is a virus testing laboratory a few yards away from ground zero of the virus spread
- China ordered a few thousand crematory urns for the dead
- People who ignored stay-at-home orders and went to the beaches in Florida and elsewhere, are now contaminated, some sick in hospitals
- Businesses were now labeled as having essential, and non-essential workers. Some private non-essential businesses like Gamestop supposedly told their employees to come into work,and that they are essential. The governor reclassified what it means to be essential, such as doctors, nurses, water treatment, garbage collection, etc.
- A new presidential campaign is underway for the November elections, and everybody worries the current occupier of the oval office will remain
- The buzzword on healthcare reform is taking root, getting louder and louder
- National tax deadlines have been pushed up from April to July, for both personal income and property tax
- Every village idiot within United States borders are now bitching and protesting about opening up all businesses against quarantine orders, and gathering en masse in public squares, and the steps of every capitol building
- Some of those same idiots are getting sick now, and some have already died in hospitals
- Authorities are saying we are now flattening the curve, or spike, of infected people. However, just because you already caught covid-19 and overcame it, doesn't mean you cannot get reinfected
- We are learning that some people who show no signs are 'asymptomatic' which means they are silent carriers. Some of them are egomaniacal and continue spreading and heading outdoors
- People have grown weary of coronavirus headlines, hip to the fact that much of it is right wing retoric/ fake headlines disguised as factual evidence
- The entire country has noticed that the Anti-Vaxxer movement has remained unusually silent over this global plague (surprise, surprise)
- small businesses deemed non-essential, now have the option to qualify for financial relief through government loans. In minutes, they were gone. Many kept retrying for hours and days, just to find out the money ran out for the state they lived in. No one knows if they'll get more money to fund them, worrying about how many mom & pop shops will go under
- Big name corporations took advantage of this financial relief, and got the money even if they have HUNDREDS of employees, to the rage of many small business owners
- The White House is lifting quarantine restrictions soon, insisting that we're all OK now. Some experts speculate this is a calculated move to stop the financial hemorrhage of president babyfists' personal businesses, many of which are fancy hotels
False Prophet
And that brings us to now...
Some men just want to watch the world burn This happened to our household while the world burned...
So, on March 10, 2020, our water heater got damaged.
That meant no hot water, and no heat for the entire house. That was bad, with temperatures dropping to 33F/0.5C at night.
We spent days trying to figure out if it was the thermostat that was busted, or the alternator. I also learned of how most old houses run on 120V currents, and how new thermostats do not work with that. AND, if you buy a digital thermostat for 120V (many modern thermostats use more voltage than that) that you can cause an electrical fire! Yikes!
We finally figured out we needed to replace the damn alternator, (the problem occurred only upstairs) and the local hardware chain store only sold the entire piece, for over $100 when the only part I needed only costs a few dollars. Hmm. Not only did I learn that plumbing stores carry that part, but also found that price set because I walked the quarter mile up the road to the hardware store, amidst the first week of the corona virus news.
Mind you, nobody was wearing masks yet, as we had no national information on it, and at the time, we understood it as a Wuhan-specific problem.
A family friend offered to change it for FREE, and he'd get an extra piece from his job, as he is an HVAC tech at a very prominent hospital. I trust his expertise, and you cannot beat a $0.00 repair job that normally costs $600.00, you just can't.
However.
Did we catch corona virus?
FYI
The very next day, still in March, my elderly father got sick. Coughs and runny nose, like a regular flu. I had to monitor him closely, as he is diabetic. He never gets sick, so this was unprecedented.The day after that, I got sick. Same symptoms as above, but not too bad. Last year's multiple flus were so much worse, and this was a cake walk. This was manageable. I did notify my friend by text, just in case. He did get early tested and came out negative.
In that first week, for one day, everything tasted weird. Like, my coffee tasted disgusting, and I almost spit it out. Thought the milk went bad, but it didn't curdle or smell. Weird. All other food lost it's taste too. I lost my appetite.
At this time, we didn't know what symptoms coronavirus gave off, because nobody knew just yet, so we weren't fully panicking.
A day or two after that, for a whole 24hrs my chest felt like I smoked four cartons of cigarettes back to back. It was heavy, and yucky. But the very next day, that feeling went away.
The next couple of days were annoying.
I had a splitting headache for over a week straight.
Now I am not a person who succumbs to headaches at all, so this was indredibly alarming. Originally I thought it was because I needed caffeine, as in, if i don't get my daily 3 cups, I get a headache. So I drank caffeinated coffee, lots of it. Headache did not go away.
Now in the news they're reporting Ibuprofen with COVID-19 is bad news, so I switched to acetaminophen for the first time in 3 decades. This time, it actually had an effect, to my surprise, since it never did before. Perhaps I have evolved/mutated?
A few days later, I began over-the-counter taking flu meds, making home made chicken bone broth soup, adding powdered turmeric in large doses, upping our ginger tea count, and sprinkling minced garlic into every dish I could think of.
I guess it worked, we weren't as sick as with last year's flu, but I did offer hot water bottles to my father, and the heating pad. My mother is largely unaffected by flu, ever, and certainly not by this. Evidently, she had a cough that came and went, and one day, her normally cold hands were burning hot, like hot irons, which was strange for her low blood pressure. They were dry, and freaky bright red. It looked like she took them out of a nuclear reactor!☢
I have no idea if we succumbed to corona virus, because we have no thermometers in the house. Last time my father went to the pharmacy for my mother's meds I asked him to pick one up. Instead, full of fear of contamination, he ran like hellfire though the pharmacy, all the way up to the counter, now shielded in bulletproof glass, taking the meds fast, and according to him, sprinting right out through the most direct line possible, all the way to the car, in his surgery mask. He's utterly terrified of this, and in a high risk group, so I can't blame him. The thought of him moving so fast is comical though.😂
Where are we now with covid-19 still lurking about?
It is now the end of April.My household is in full blown crisis.
It has been a perfect storm. A perfect storm of caca happening here.
We have physically recovered from that one sickly week, but I have spent it since monitoring my parent's health and my own (I haven't had health insurance in 22 years so it's crucial I do not get ill) and now dangerously low on food. I've been asking any friends to help us out, as the car has now died in our driveway from inactivity. When it rains, it pours! Even if we wanted to, now we really cannot go pick up food from the grocery store! My father disconnected the car battery in a weak attempt to keep it lasting longer, not sure if that will work, but he keeps busy.
Meanwhile, we were finally able to see the back wall of our refrigerator in a very, very long time. This is cause for alarm.
Cleaned out all the expired food from my fridge. What is this life I lead?
One friend from the church choir came to our aid, but only because I asked via text message, so we now have a week's work of scrap food to consume. Lasagna noodles and marinara? Sure, why not? I haven't cooked a lasagna since 1994, but ok, better than starving. Oh, gotta make it veggie, since we have no minced meat.
My mother's surgery was cancelled as elective, and we had to put off selling the house next month. I thought I was finally done with living in NY and taking care of the old folks, but NO.
The most disappointing part of this year, is that all of my plans to move forward with my life have been put on hold yet again.
My mother's surgery was cancelled as elective, and we had to put off selling the house next month. I thought I was finally done with living in NY and taking care of the old folks, but NO.
We also had to cancel the trip to the DMV (needed upgraded license to fly in airplanes), put my passport shit on hold, redo my birth certificate also on hold, and postpone my dad's minor surgery. All the major preparations we were to do earlier this year on hold yet again.
Sigh.
I tell you, the timing for this could not be worse! The absolute worst came this past week, because I have been asking around for help, and we're so low on food, I have taken to asking around. My father showed a very nasty side of him I have never seen in four decades of knowing him. He went absolutely apeshit because I dared ask strangers for help. He is a very proud man, who will let his family go right to hell rather than ask for much needed help.
The catalyst?
I set up online accounts with his favorite grocery stores to order online, then asked him for his bank card to place the order. He became largely uncomfortable, as most old folks are around computer shit, and told me we still have food, and whined about why I'm even doing this to him! Why? Because he cannot go out into public, that's why.
?!
The food we do have?
Expired cans of string beans from 8 years ago.
Cans of various sauces such as marinara, and alfredo, a random jar of mushrooms, multiple bottles of ranch dressing, a third of expired refrigerated food that I just finished putting out for trash collection, frozen veggie burgers, frozen sausages, and the rest, all condiments.
He's sensational enough that he believes we can live on this for another few weeks. Why yes, let's put a little ranch dressing into our sweet condensed milk and call it a breakfast shake, I mean, what the freaking hell, right?!
Sigh.
Stumbling onto my father's newly senile state
The catalyst?
I set up online accounts with his favorite grocery stores to order online, then asked him for his bank card to place the order. He became largely uncomfortable, as most old folks are around computer shit, and told me we still have food, and whined about why I'm even doing this to him! Why? Because he cannot go out into public, that's why.
?!
The food we do have?
Expired cans of string beans from 8 years ago.
Cans of various sauces such as marinara, and alfredo, a random jar of mushrooms, multiple bottles of ranch dressing, a third of expired refrigerated food that I just finished putting out for trash collection, frozen veggie burgers, frozen sausages, and the rest, all condiments.
He's sensational enough that he believes we can live on this for another few weeks. Why yes, let's put a little ranch dressing into our sweet condensed milk and call it a breakfast shake, I mean, what the freaking hell, right?!
According to my father, I am not allowed to ask for help/ not allowed to
order groceries online/ not allowed to order take-out food for
delivery/ not allowed to ask people to donate food to us. I have been instructed as much.
Also according to him, he will NOT fix the car anytime soon. But what about the bills piling up? Just pay them late, via snail mail! Well I smell a buncha late fees being tackled on, which he will surely bitch into my ear about later on.
But what about the leaky faucet in the bathroom tub that began months ago? It fills a bucket full every hour? Why, we'll just dump the water into the toilet and NOT flush! Two birds, one stone!
I wish I was kidding. I am not kidding.
Also according to him, he will NOT fix the car anytime soon. But what about the bills piling up? Just pay them late, via snail mail! Well I smell a buncha late fees being tackled on, which he will surely bitch into my ear about later on.
But what about the leaky faucet in the bathroom tub that began months ago? It fills a bucket full every hour? Why, we'll just dump the water into the toilet and NOT flush! Two birds, one stone!
I wish I was kidding. I am not kidding.
My head hurts yet again.😵
BUT WAIT, he's choosing to replace the entire leaky kitchen window tomorrow! Out of nowhere, expensive home repairs!
Because things like food and transportation are NOT NECESSARY, but yes! We must fix that leaky window! Let's run up several thousand dollars worth of unnecessary home repairs RIGHT FUCKING NOW, two months before the property tax of $6,000.00+ is due, for a married couple on limited benefits totalling less than $1,400/mo.
YES, because that makes all the sense in the world! Let's choose this detrimental point in time to do this!
????????????????
Because things like food and transportation are NOT NECESSARY, but yes! We must fix that leaky window! Let's run up several thousand dollars worth of unnecessary home repairs RIGHT FUCKING NOW, two months before the property tax of $6,000.00+ is due, for a married couple on limited benefits totalling less than $1,400/mo.
YES, because that makes all the sense in the world! Let's choose this detrimental point in time to do this!
????????????????
False Prophet
When the car was working, we assumed he wasn't going to try to go into public for anything. Now that it's not working, (GREAT FREAKING TIMING) he insists he can take the patio cart we have for collecting weeds, and go all the way to the Chinese take-out restaurant, and haul it back. Mind you, he is in his eighties, doesn't walk much, and that place is all the way on the other side of town, about 45 min. walking one way. I reminded him we can order for delivery, as it is a take-out restaurant. He flipped out on me, insisting he can walk, so why should he get delivery? In his mind, getting take-out delivery is the same as asking for help/expensive/implies weakness.
Again, what the hell?!
Now the car is dead. TOTALLY DEAD. RIP Toyota, you were a decent car, with a spectacular moon roof.
According to my father, now I'm supposed to go into public and retrieve food, but on foot. Imagine me, carrying a month's worth of food for over a mile on foot. And oh no, I cannot at any cost, ask the neighbors for a ride. No! I must go by foot like some Berber crossing the Sahara for a rather large bucket of water.
Yeah, I'm not doing that.
I have had childhood bronchitis several times, so that's weakened my lungs considerably, and he's aware I have no health coverage. The last thing I want to do with my meager life, is to become bait for a highly infectious disease, just because someone needs to be right, and placate their own ego. Trump, anyone?
Now the car is dead. TOTALLY DEAD. RIP Toyota, you were a decent car, with a spectacular moon roof.
According to my father, now I'm supposed to go into public and retrieve food, but on foot. Imagine me, carrying a month's worth of food for over a mile on foot. And oh no, I cannot at any cost, ask the neighbors for a ride. No! I must go by foot like some Berber crossing the Sahara for a rather large bucket of water.
Yeah, I'm not doing that.
I have had childhood bronchitis several times, so that's weakened my lungs considerably, and he's aware I have no health coverage. The last thing I want to do with my meager life, is to become bait for a highly infectious disease, just because someone needs to be right, and placate their own ego. Trump, anyone?
One more time, WTH??!
But wait, it gets better!
Because I asked his church choir friends for help, and the one guy dropped off food for us, he went batshit crazy on me upon my confession that it was my doing. He thought they were visiting him out of nowwhere, but stupid me, I confessed I asked for that dude's help, and my father lost it. How dare I, ask people for help?! What a horrible willful, lazy child I am! Yep, he said all of these words to me.
But wait, it gets better!
Because I asked his church choir friends for help, and the one guy dropped off food for us, he went batshit crazy on me upon my confession that it was my doing. He thought they were visiting him out of nowwhere, but stupid me, I confessed I asked for that dude's help, and my father lost it. How dare I, ask people for help?! What a horrible willful, lazy child I am! Yep, he said all of these words to me.
What am I doing with my life? Is it my writing? No.
Look, my mother is defenseless, and we must provide for her, as she is in the last stages of her Alzheimers. My father, he's been going senile for the last few years, but I cannot believe that now, DURING A QUARANTINE DUE TO A PLAGUE, senility went full throttle.
Now? Really?!
Now? Really?!
Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck you, mother nature, you bad bitch! Bad, bad timing!
My brother, who I am estranged to, I have been contacting desperately over the last few days to send us some much needed food, or money to get food from. I don't make any money as a full time caregiver, with my parents on medicare, otherwise I would've handled the food situation myself. If they were on medicaid, it would be a much different story, where I would get paid by the government. However. Being on medicare means, you're too poor to afford the high rates that give you full coverage, but not poor enough to qualify for medicaid. Stuck in the bad zone.
My brother, who I am estranged to, I have been contacting desperately over the last few days to send us some much needed food, or money to get food from. I don't make any money as a full time caregiver, with my parents on medicare, otherwise I would've handled the food situation myself. If they were on medicaid, it would be a much different story, where I would get paid by the government. However. Being on medicare means, you're too poor to afford the high rates that give you full coverage, but not poor enough to qualify for medicaid. Stuck in the bad zone.
The American government is all like, Yep, you have one car (16yo, keeps stalling out) and one house (in a low rent neighborhood, in need of renovations soon) therefore, you are clearly super rich. No help for you!
Government is also like, Several billions in grant funds for millionaire corporations, or course, without a doubt!
But poor civilians asking for weekly allowances after they lost their jobs due to Covid-19? How dare they ask for money from the American government?! They're clearly libtards! Demanding livable wages and affordable health care, how dare they!
This, this is a highly tenuous situation.
Yikes for me! Yikes for all of us!
2020 has definitely shifted me out of all of my comfort zones.
Personally, I'm poor and I suck. I know. I get it. Shut up. One order of major life change, coming right up!
Deep breath. Very long sigh.
We're drowning. In madness and despair.
Personally, I'm poor and I suck. I know. I get it. Shut up. One order of major life change, coming right up!
Deep breath. Very long sigh.
We're drowning. In madness and despair.
Somebody hit the OFF button on 2020 already!
Maybe someone will find me hunched over this keyboard dead of hunger, and flies and ants swarming my carcass, eyeballs first. If so, take my written notes of upcoming books and get them ghostwritten, for the sake of the universe!
I struggle with prioritizing
I don't mean to disparrage my family in any way in saying all of this. But I do know the struggle of trying to choose which events to prioritize in life. Most people give up and put their family ahead of their needs, abandoning self-care in the process. I'm on call 24/day, and have to spring to every emergency that comes my way. Therefore, the only way to remove myself from this situation is to move the fuck out. That was the plan, before the plague hit, and all the shit hit the fan.
Can't do anything about plague, can redirect my own life though. Time to re-plan.
Asking the real questions here
What's more important right now? My lifelong happiness/career/aspirations/realizing dreams, or cleaning the floor they dropped food on for the millionth time, before we get ants? Decisions, decisions.
It's the same with writing. I have several unfinished books written, some halfway, some almost done, some only exist in outline. Some books I have formatted in Notepad, some in InDesign, some in Open Office. I just cannot pick and choose which is the best way, or what sort of schedule works for me in terms of writing.
Picking and choosing has long been my kryptonite, and without external involvement, I am left to stew in my juices of contemplation/confusion.
I get stuck. For days. For weeks.
This, is is why I never get done with anything. Because I don't know how to choose. What's more important, A or B? I don't know!
I cannot be the only writer who gets stuck like this?!
My plans have changed irreparably
I mean, dammit! I was so close! So very close!Then COVID-19 fucked up my fucking plans!
FUCK.
I will say this. I have no intention of staying in New York past this winter.
I had no clue I was going to deal with such as serious situation this year, like my father losing his cool during a goddamn pandemic, of all instances! And even though I offered to see their affairs all the way though, to the bringing of my mother to a nursing home in the Carribean, where her sister now receives adequate care, all the way to the eventual sale of the house, I may have to politely bow out. But, I am afraid I may have to leave much sooner than that.
I have to save myself first. Self love, baby!
I have to peel myself away from other people's affairs and instability. They're not bad people, they're sweet and kind, and have always been good to me. It's just that they're ineffective at executing decisions, and poor planners. They wing it, all of life's problems. They've been lucky for decades with that method, but now the luck has run out. Their poor planning is their responsibility, not mine. I did my part, now if they choose to jump into the fire pit, I will not follow.
Watching the entire progression of two adults become old, crippled, exhausted, and lose grip on reality, well...it's like watching a train wreck. Can't look away. Add to that personal heart break. The mental anguish is what really gets ya.
I've been their personal guard dog at the gates since 2009, protecting them from identity theft, price gouging, illness, obtaining a cell phone for emergencies (they fought me on it), adjusting their bills, filling out their doctor's forms with the tiny print, filling out the insurance forms with the teensy, tiny fonts for when their cars got totalled by other idiot drivers, (twice) and calling the ambulance as needed, but I am so, so tired now.
So very tired.😓
My patience is completely gone. Everything is an opposing argument where I flare up fast. Shortest fuse, ever. Takes me hours to calm my ass down. Not a psychologically healthy mindset. I hide downstairs for hours to regain my sense of self, and remember to get writing again. It's difficult, to regain my previous momentum, especially with no one to talk to.
And in the back of my mind, I am reminded that I have no income to speak of, and how it's pathetic for someone my age. I have had to shutter my graphic design store five years back, knowing I'd never pick up that business run momentum ever again, in lieu of placing my parent's health concerns above my personal ambitions, their ever growing needs completely replacing my income altogether. I said as much to my brother last winter, who suggested I stay even longer to watch them. No.
Hell no.
And in the back of my mind, I am reminded that I have no income to speak of, and how it's pathetic for someone my age. I have had to shutter my graphic design store five years back, knowing I'd never pick up that business run momentum ever again, in lieu of placing my parent's health concerns above my personal ambitions, their ever growing needs completely replacing my income altogether. I said as much to my brother last winter, who suggested I stay even longer to watch them. No.
Hell no.
Huge battle of wills going on here in this family!
A while back I mentioned to my father that, if his mind goes, I won't be
strong enough to deal with the both of them, as I was already burning
out from my mother's ever growing needs. I'm aware of my limitations,
and dealing with two sick people is way above what I can safely handle. In my particular situation, we are competely isolated from our family,
which are habituated at least 1,000 miles in every given direction.
Having them around would help more, as living by ourselves, we cannot
have the very necessary interventions that would benefit my parent's
current state of mind. If we did, I'm sure I wouldn't be drowning in
this everlasting solitude and despair. We could've probably achieved
more with family intervention. I"m sure of it.
I really do envy people who have cousins
and siblings in town that come on by, at the drop of a hat to help you
move a sofa.
This lack of support is something I knew was coming, but prayed I wouldn't have to face. I was seriously banking on the house sale to finally be done with all of this, and start my life in a new state. Who knew this PANDEMIC would happen now, at this moment in history?
Can't ever worry over things outside your scope of control. I keep forgetting that.
Can't ever worry over things outside your scope of control. I keep forgetting that.
But now I am finally choosing myself again, for the first time, in a very long time.
Yes, fully aware I'm taking the tone of voice of some teenage girl's tumblr. Also, lol!
In my head, I am finally okay with it. With choosing my own life, over someone elses.
Yes, fully aware I'm taking the tone of voice of some teenage girl's tumblr. Also, lol!
In middle age, I need to restart my life yet again
Now I have to go make money again.💲 Me, make money?! Oh shit! 💲 I wasn't good at it to begin with, but now?!!!
Dear baby Jesus, I do NOT need any more fucking challenges! Ease off already, universe!
I have to rebuild my life anew.
And I have to do it during a time of global crisis, of all things! You know, I haven't earned income in so long, that the dollar bills changed their design and I did not know about it until I saw my dad counting out cash to pay the auto repair guy. Wow.
 |
| This dog. I wish to become it. A furry OG, if you will. |
I have to rebuild my life anew.
And I have to do it during a time of global crisis, of all things! You know, I haven't earned income in so long, that the dollar bills changed their design and I did not know about it until I saw my dad counting out cash to pay the auto repair guy. Wow.
Not gonna lie, being older, having no emergecy fund, having an outdated resume, and a network of contacts I have long forgotten is absolutely frightening. The idea of rebuilding my life for the third time is extremely unappealing, but I know to be necessary. And terrifying, my god! Everytime I fall, I break. I never have anyone to help me through anything, or pick me up. I'm a person who falls through cracks, so what will become of me?!
Duhn-duuuuhn!
Some files, mo**erfu**erSurviving from weak job to weak job in my twenties, in one of the most expensive parts of the world, was hard enough, but to try it again at twice the age, with half the energy, and even less resources? Holy shit!
Man, I need for life to quit kicking me in the gonads. I need a Snickers bar or something. And steady income. I really miss that. Shit. Sorry, just planning out loud here.
The reason I have been saying all of these things is that, isolation, it's been killing us as a family unit. And it's killing my dreams of writing.
Man, I need for life to quit kicking me in the gonads. I need a Snickers bar or something. And steady income. I really miss that. Shit. Sorry, just planning out loud here.
The reason I have been saying all of these things is that, isolation, it's been killing us as a family unit. And it's killing my dreams of writing.
And I am no closer to my writing goals now than I was four, six, ten years ago! Nothing is getting completed! It is all a waste of time! My isolation isn't voluntary, and it keeps adding to my depression. My ADHD continues to go untreated, and now I have mysterious hip pains that without any health insurance, will not go away.
Living solitary lives means being cut off from anything that makes you feel human. You go a little crazy, and you start believing your own self-delusions. The brain lies to you more. Humans are meant to be social animals, and lengthy periods of solitude increase erratic behaviors. I mention this, because writers by nature, have jobs that require some form of solitude, and it's difficult to carve out some alone time if you don't have that luxury, and it's difficult to seek out companionship if your job demands the opposite.
Living in solitude, as I have come to realize, means having zero support network, and zero access to resources, or other human beings, unless you are one of those very rare human beings that are exeptional at networking. I'm currently in a lose-lose situation, and that has to change. I have to change. Every hour I dedicate to sweeping the floors in this large house, pulling up weeds, getting clawed by my combative mother in her hectic frame of mind, simply because I must wash her, this is all for what? This cannot be how I spend what remains of my best years.
50 isn't too far away, and I have friends that have openly stated they will welcome me with open arms should I choose to move closer to them. A fresh start, and with an affordable cost of living awaits me in the south. So why stay here? Where is the benefit for me? Should I continue wasting my life, with no pay, so somebody else can live in comfort? Or chance it, and start over from scratch, with outdated equipment, hope and a lean wallet?
Any fresh start in the real world is better than what I am going through now, even in this current political climate. Everything here is stale, cost of living is exorbitant, and opportunities have stalled out for me. I've done it before, living on my own, and I know I can do it again. I must. I'm not comfortable here; I don't get any of my shit done, and it's high time to break away from these worthless endeavors. Anything that doesn't bring me happiness, or put money in my bank account, is garbage.
It is the battle cry that anybody right on the cusp of excellence never bothers to highlight. It must be said. Because true works of art are at the fingertips of many genius creators who are also being strangled by terrible situations that bear no fruit. This is the a-ha moment no one ever talks about in magnanimity.
I put off the writing to take care of every aspect of my elderly paren't lives.
And now, I am choosing to walk away. 11 years is quite enough.
This was supposed to be a temporary situation. We simply didn't expect my mother to outlive her prognosis. I didn't expect my father to perpetually put off all the major life arrangements we needed to make, so he could simply avoid major life change altogether. I didn't expect to age out while waiting for them to move their collective behinds.
Living solitary lives means being cut off from anything that makes you feel human. You go a little crazy, and you start believing your own self-delusions. The brain lies to you more. Humans are meant to be social animals, and lengthy periods of solitude increase erratic behaviors. I mention this, because writers by nature, have jobs that require some form of solitude, and it's difficult to carve out some alone time if you don't have that luxury, and it's difficult to seek out companionship if your job demands the opposite.
Living in solitude, as I have come to realize, means having zero support network, and zero access to resources, or other human beings, unless you are one of those very rare human beings that are exeptional at networking. I'm currently in a lose-lose situation, and that has to change. I have to change. Every hour I dedicate to sweeping the floors in this large house, pulling up weeds, getting clawed by my combative mother in her hectic frame of mind, simply because I must wash her, this is all for what? This cannot be how I spend what remains of my best years.
50 isn't too far away, and I have friends that have openly stated they will welcome me with open arms should I choose to move closer to them. A fresh start, and with an affordable cost of living awaits me in the south. So why stay here? Where is the benefit for me? Should I continue wasting my life, with no pay, so somebody else can live in comfort? Or chance it, and start over from scratch, with outdated equipment, hope and a lean wallet?
Any fresh start in the real world is better than what I am going through now, even in this current political climate. Everything here is stale, cost of living is exorbitant, and opportunities have stalled out for me. I've done it before, living on my own, and I know I can do it again. I must. I'm not comfortable here; I don't get any of my shit done, and it's high time to break away from these worthless endeavors. Anything that doesn't bring me happiness, or put money in my bank account, is garbage.
It is the battle cry that anybody right on the cusp of excellence never bothers to highlight. It must be said. Because true works of art are at the fingertips of many genius creators who are also being strangled by terrible situations that bear no fruit. This is the a-ha moment no one ever talks about in magnanimity.
I put off the writing to take care of every aspect of my elderly paren't lives.
And now, I am choosing to walk away. 11 years is quite enough.
This was supposed to be a temporary situation. We simply didn't expect my mother to outlive her prognosis. I didn't expect my father to perpetually put off all the major life arrangements we needed to make, so he could simply avoid major life change altogether. I didn't expect to age out while waiting for them to move their collective behinds.
I, every aspect of my life, I give away too much, or too little, to every 'To Do' pile in my life. So I gave too much of myself to my family: My time, my billable hours, my knee joints functionality, to somebody else's needs.
That's on me, for giving myself away too much.
Yes, there is a limit. And in the noise of the illness, the hurricane and flood damage, I forgot where the damn cutoff was.
My fault!
This is in no way an easy decision to make, made all the more reasonable by bearing witness to my father's irrational behavior, emphasized by years and years of making poor choices. Any human being would get tired by now, of having to spend every waking hour preventing someone from self-harming with their voluntary ineptitude, for the umpteenth time in as many years.
I feel like I want to say that I am truly sorry that this situation has turned out this way, that is has culminated into a deep pool of gloppy resentment, mixed and bitter feelings that will most likely go unresolved, but I am in no way sorry for wanting to change my life.
I will never be sorry for that!
For what does it take to bring all of the helpful information in the world right under the noses of those that need it, only to watch them walk away from it in sheer hubris? That, "I know better!" attitude, that is condescending and remarkably out of touch with modern society?
How does this equalize, all the hard work and effort, and hours of researching government programs, applications for low income households, all so the afflicted can toss it aside, and not give one more though to it? What does it mean when the devastated poor reject help, because it involves a process of filling out forms, or some other paltry reason? Two fully grown people, making their choices, (albeit poor choices) and standing by it, in their confusion? Waltzing around the kitchen floor and preaching about "Jesus will stand by us" and counting on magic help from the divine to erase their pending problems? Good to have faith, but blind faith doesn't fix actual human problems, at least be realistic here, because you have to do your own part!
To me, it is no different than the simple-mindedness of those misguided hillbillies we see on the news channels marching up the capitol steps, marching up to city hall, loudly demanding for the quarantine to be lifted because of 'stupid liberals' and 'our rights being trampled on' for being forced to wear masks in public that stave off the spread of covid-19, good grief.The wanton egotism of people is something that I am highly allergic to. That, and willful ignorance.
Regardless, I have long, long struggled with this decision for the last several years. To be stuck in a losing situation for so long, and to finally kick over that hornets nest, is something incredibly hard to do. Shifting your mindset to fit another agenda, seeing that you've outgrown your current 'nest', these are major life changes, and never do they come easily, or do you go quietly. Courage and strength. Nothing is easy.
I feel like I want to say that I am truly sorry that this situation has turned out this way, that is has culminated into a deep pool of gloppy resentment, mixed and bitter feelings that will most likely go unresolved, but I am in no way sorry for wanting to change my life.
I will never be sorry for that!
For what does it take to bring all of the helpful information in the world right under the noses of those that need it, only to watch them walk away from it in sheer hubris? That, "I know better!" attitude, that is condescending and remarkably out of touch with modern society?
How does this equalize, all the hard work and effort, and hours of researching government programs, applications for low income households, all so the afflicted can toss it aside, and not give one more though to it? What does it mean when the devastated poor reject help, because it involves a process of filling out forms, or some other paltry reason? Two fully grown people, making their choices, (albeit poor choices) and standing by it, in their confusion? Waltzing around the kitchen floor and preaching about "Jesus will stand by us" and counting on magic help from the divine to erase their pending problems? Good to have faith, but blind faith doesn't fix actual human problems, at least be realistic here, because you have to do your own part!
To me, it is no different than the simple-mindedness of those misguided hillbillies we see on the news channels marching up the capitol steps, marching up to city hall, loudly demanding for the quarantine to be lifted because of 'stupid liberals' and 'our rights being trampled on' for being forced to wear masks in public that stave off the spread of covid-19, good grief.The wanton egotism of people is something that I am highly allergic to. That, and willful ignorance.
Regardless, I have long, long struggled with this decision for the last several years. To be stuck in a losing situation for so long, and to finally kick over that hornets nest, is something incredibly hard to do. Shifting your mindset to fit another agenda, seeing that you've outgrown your current 'nest', these are major life changes, and never do they come easily, or do you go quietly. Courage and strength. Nothing is easy.
I counted myself selfish too often for thinking about developing a career when my folks were ailing. But I will now take my dear mother upon her words, words she told me six years ago early on in her illness:
While that outcome remains to be seen, I do agree, it's high time I got started.
"You need to go build your life, and we understand. But don't you worry about us, just go. I know you will be successful."
While that outcome remains to be seen, I do agree, it's high time I got started.
"Accept the things I cannot change, and wisdom to know the difference."
Acceptance.✔
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| Professor Farnsworth is never not funny! That, is an acceptable factoid. |
And I kept putting off my book writing for every fucking emergency that came across our path. But it's time to sink or swim, and myself too. All grown adults need to be responsible for their personal choices and plan ahead for their needs. Most assuredly, they will continue making poor decisions onward, of that I have no doubt. The old dog doesn't wanna learn new tricks, just sit around lazily. And that dog will miss supper and go hungry, and maybe that hunger will make it change, we shall see.
Though I care deeply for my family (and it shows especially within the most erroneous of arguments) I feel it is best we all went our separate ways. We cannot remain stuck in this time stasis field. This ship must continue flowing forwards in time.
Zoom.
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| Zoom, zoom! |
Me? I'm going to finally finish this book without all the useless catholic guilt. I started writing this murder-mystery book three years ago, and wouldn't you know it? It has a theme of a highly infectious disease, haha! If it isn't serendipity that this is all happening now, and I'd be a fool not to take advantage! *furiously scribbling notes*
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