Ah, the absence of words, replaced by medication.
Salutations!
 |
Accurate depiction of my health in 2021. |
(wrote this back in April, then kept adding to it over time; apologies for lateness)
My ADHD Is Completely Out Of Control
Or, more accurately, the absence of all the monkey chatter compounding daily in my brain, alongside what should be a very straightforward linear train of thought, that has finally dissipated.
Why? Because I am finally on medication for the very first time in my life!!! Took four decades, but we're finally here! Two separate streams of information turned into one.Monkey chatter erased. Nice.
One is linear, the normal process of step by step. The, "I have X amount of things to do today. The, I have many appointments and reordering things and shuffling my calendar" thing.
The other, is a zig zag, forever zig zagging off like a fractal pattern comprised of mish mash information, about everything and nothing.
That chaos looks like this:
What time is that show> do we need more milk> what year did Walt Disney release that motion picture with the nazi scientist that talked about science and rockets> what was the name of that bad dude who plays bad guys frequently and everyone recognizes his face but never his name> is this milk gone bad? >what was the name of the female Fraggle with the pom-pom hair in Fragglerock, because I forget> why does Willie Nelson look like a stand in for Dr. Teeth and the Electric Mayhem> who can smoke more weed- Willie or Snoop Dog> oh shit I forgot to add cbd oil to the shopping list next to the toaster> did I burn the toast just now-what's that smell> I actually forgot to put toast into the toaster> I should go change the bed sheets before I forget that too> oh right his name was Wernher Von Braun> is there a YouTube documentary on him> OK this one documentary is 7 min. but that one is 45 min. and much more detailed- oh damn, HAS IT BEEN FOUR HOURS ALREADY? And, now the offices are closed so I can't make an appointment, oh right, it's Thursday and they weren't open to begin with> hey look, a video on catastrophic earthquake footage!> I haven't eaten all day, do we have snacks?> IT'S DINNER TIME ALREADY?!
Both are fighting one another for attention; yin and yang. ☯
Now this torture is constant. This is exhausting. This always has me on edge. I cannot shut this off. There is no ability to do so. Biologically impossible.
The "normal" thought train is the one that leaves the station, satisfied in the knowledge of knowing it has picked up new information and taken off for its next destination, without getting constantly derailed.
Well, that has never existed for me.
It's how I've always imagined how regular people synthesize information.
The medication I am currently taking, Ritalin, is muffling out all the zig zag noises. It is, pleasant. It's finally brought me peace of mind. It's only been two weeks two months now, but so far, I quite enjoy it.
Hey, no more competing with excessive background zig zag noises! I am calm, at last.
I do space out still, but not with the excessively potent frequency that had my friends and family looking at me like I'm a loon. I must still excercise some degree of personal responsibility to stay on my tasks, and now without the excess noise competing with my thoughts, I can finally achieve that. Pills only fix half the problem, yet the changes are apparent.
Recently I spoke to my brother over the phone once every few months, and this man of few words spoke up and said to me "You sound normal." Yep. It's that noticeable.
It has taken me far too long to correct my ADHD, for a myriad of reasons all out of my control. Or perhaps 'correct' isn't the correct word? ...still, I beat myself up over the many years for things beyond my control, like lack of affordable health care, (welcome to 'Murrica!) and deluding myself into thinking that sheer willpower could steer this long horn of a neurodevelopmental disorder into something useful. As in, hey! Let's turn this pile of constant hindrance crap into a superpower we can harness! Into a tool that furthers our career efforts!
Yeah, that strategy never worked. Cue an endless stream of feelings of failure.
However.
While ADHD's only merit is it's unrelenting hyper focus, which yes, I have used to prolong lengthy writing marathons, sadly that is a short lived superpower. ADHD makes you zoom in on something, anything, at very random times.
It controls you, and not the other way around.
That is why we, the afflicted, have so much trouble thriving in life.
Most useless advice I have heard over, and over, is to "Try harder!" As if it could be controlled. *eye roll*
The constant fighting with both sides of this coin is tiresome, and adds layers of unwanted anxiety. It can be agonizing on a good day, and sheer torture during high stress situations, like, oh, I dunno, surviving a fucking global pandemic?!☣️
Dealing With ADHD During The Covid Years
My entire year post-covid has been focused on my health, which I've ignored since I was old enough to vote.
It's like having a car for 12 years, but it's actually over 25 years old, and you're only taking it in for an inspection now. Gotta look under the hood, shit!
So, so many things I have learned...
This past year was unkind to a lot of close family and friends; I personally know three people who died last year, and couldn't attend the funerals. We rationed out food cans because of shortages and inconvenienced by weird closing store hours. This did not bode well in ol' casa de Onyx. My elderly father freaked out and refused to even buy food, he was that terrified of catching it. It got so bad, he was feeding my mother expired green beans from a can, expired by 8 years. I had to call our trusted church choir friends, my brother in the west coast, and the church pastor for an intervention, as my father is too proud to ask for help, and sometimes dangerously so.
I endured about three massive panic attacks all during 2020, surprise! one of which had me reeling for three straight days. I woke up from a very deep sleep, around 2:00 AM, breathing hard like I ran a marathon in my bed, with the sweats. Became quick friends with melatonin and whatever alcohol I could find to send me off to dreamland. Sigh. More nights of this, and it got so bad I had to ask my therapist for anti-anxiety meds for a while, which did the trick.
But eventually I had to give myself permission NOT to overworry anymore over things out of my control.
How did you survive the pandem- yikes! Never mind.
Eventually, I found my way back into long term therapy, and I had to fight for it. The process alone, just to find any mental health doctors that even accept Medicaid was cumbersome, then to select one that specializes in my particular mental health issue posed another problem, then to have them withhold medication until I got bloodwork done was a several months long process exacerbated by all patients over cramming into all doctors offices at once, overbooked laboratories with endless patients and long-ass wait times. Just a delightful leftover from 2020.
'Murrica, amirite ?! 😅
One flabbergasted nurse who took one of my appointments said this was happening all across the board, at various doctors, ophthalmologists, dentists, psychiatrists- they all have a tremendous backlog of patients! On average, in 2021, everyody had scheduled appointments about three-four months apart. Exactly where I stood.
That's about a quarter of a year. :-(
Dealing With Dental Problems
It is now the beginning of September (well, October now) and I can recall the entire year of 2021 thus far by every appointment, MRI scan/s, medication, referrals, blood work, EKG, and nearly 20 pages of results of current health.
Next week, my very first root canal* because I broke a molar, because evidently, fillings weaken after 30+ years, then crumble. Right on the clock! Then the pain that races back & forth along the affected jawline like an electric current from hell, boy oh boy, so much fun! Now it's branched to nerves that wrap around my fucking cranium! Wee! Additionally, the misadventure of navigating through the wacky world of dental insurance alone is enough of a challenge, while adjusting to the new medication. I was given a referral to only one, solitary endodontist, because he was 1 of 6 that took my dental plan.
*Already had the RC done +4 fillings and several xrays, more to come...
Then I looked up on Google Maps his address. Then his business details and contact info popped up on the left side of the screen. Also, his 1 star⭐ ratings. Also, his TERRIBLE REVIEWS below his star ratings, followed by descriptive complaints. Not one or two, but several paragraphs worth of very specific horror stories. Yikes. Went through many phone calls and finally found a decent one a half hour away willing to root canal the other tooth. To recap, one ondodontist for one pre-molar tooth, another one from a different dental practice for the back molar. All because of insurance coverage being picky.
This whole thing was so tiresome. 😑🦷💢
He explained dental insurance reps never want to give permission to operate on back teeth, their argument being you need your front teeth to smile and go to work, so they always try to get out of funding molar procedures.
I was also told I may need an additional procedure post-root canal called a "crown lengthening" in case they find my dead root is way too close to my jaw bone. They'd have to shave off some bone and extend that crown down. Also, insurance never covers this procedure, because hey, it's cheaper to just remove that tooth; save money! But then, the top teeth begin sagging down. Not their problem though!
Haha, America! You suck ass!
I need a vacation from being me.
However...
A week after that appointment, I began having stinging headaches. Then I got a hideous, itchy rash all over my neck. Then out of nowhere, dizziness, lightheadedness, lethargy, you name it. I could be in the middle of cooking and WHAM! Gotta go crawl into bed, at 1:30 in the afternoon, and nap like an old person.
What began as 2 acetaminophen,
became 2 250mg ibuprofen, and discovered you cannot consume this with Ritalin at the same time as it makes your heart race like a horse, so spaced each apart about 1-2hrs.
Then it became 1 600mg ibuprofen,
then became 1 600mg ibuprofen + 1 500mg acetaminophen,
then became 4 500mg acetaminophen,
And then I threw up. 2 straight days of stomach pain. Felt undigested pills sitting there in my stomach folds.
Then back to 1 500mg acetaminophen one hour, another an hour later. Ritalin on the 3rd hour.
Damn, my life has GOT to stop being so much fun!
Finally going on medication for the first time in middle age
Finding out I have Lupus
